Journal of a Working Boy

It is nearly impossible to pee in a bottle and not get piss on yourself. I'm parked on the side of the road in a black neighborhood just outside of Kansas City. The 7-11 gas station doesn't offer a public restroom to its patrons, and the empty plastic liter bottle behind my seat is too tempting for me to get back on the crowded freeway with a full bladder. Pissing into a plastic bottle while sitting in a car involves pressing one's member against the top of the bottle and sort of peeing upward while anxiously watching the pee-level in case there's not enough room for all you have to offer.

Once finished, thankful the bottle was big enough, you quickly pull your pants back up, hoping not to have been spotted by an unsuspecting passerby. If you didn't already piss on either your hand, your leg, the side of the bottle or the inside of the car, you realize that there was more pee ready to come out, but, due to the unnatural upward trajectory, it couldn't be released until you put your pants back on.

It took three hours — only one with piss in my pants — to get through 30 miles of Kansas City. I drove another hour before the freezing rain and psycho truckers shooed me off the road into a little town called Concordia. I wanted to get home in three days, but my triumphant return to my parents' home in southeastern Indiana will have to wait one more. I've spent three full days driving a 1988 Volkswagen Fox, alone, from Portland, Ore., to western Missouri. Here are the highlights, written in the overly-dramatic, horseshit tone of James Frey — the Oprah-tricking, story-fabricating, best-selling author of "A Million Little Pieces" and "My Friend Leonard," the latter of which I listened to on CD for much of this trip:

DAY 1

I wake up at Arty's apartment. I'm tired. I'm anxious. I'm excited to be leaving Oregon. Excited for all the opportunities that lie ahead. I don't have a job. It doesn't really matter.

I get in my car. I drive to the bank. Starbucks is across the street. I drive to Starbucks. I buy a cup of coffee. I get on the freeway.

I drive across northern Oregon, along a freeway parallel to the Columbia River, just across from the state of Washington. I don't believe my Volkswagen will make it all the way to Ohio, but I don't have a choice. I'm finished with school and it's time for Christmas. So I'm driving home.

The eastern Oregon mountains are icy, so I drive slowly. The car's heater doesn't blow toward my feet for some reason and my feet are cold. I rub them with my hands, give them energy and warm them up separately.
But they are still cold.
So cold.
So very cold.

I reach the Idaho border and the sun begins to fall. I know that I have a taillight out and a side-marker out, but I keep driving. I don't give a fuck about my taillight or any goddam cop who pulls me over. I've been through worse before. I don't give a fuck about my tail light. I don't give a fuck.

I drive through more snow and ice in Idaho. The engine screams and the speedometer bounces between 110 and 120 miles an hour. The speedometer is wrong. I don't really know how fast I'm going, but I'm going fast.

I make it to Ogden, Utah, after 13 hours of driving. I am happy. I am safe. The car didn't explode during the first day. It's about the most I could have hoped for.

DAY 2

I wake up at 6 a.m., take a quick shower and am on the road by 6:30. It is cold in the mountains, and the Wyoming roads are threatening and dangerous. The car slides in any direction at any time even though I'm going 40 miles an hour. A checkpoint instructs all trucks to use chains and 18-wheelers line the freeway for a quarter mile before a steep, steep hill. I follow the other cars but they go faster than me. They aren't sliding. They aren't 18 years old.

My brake-warning light flutters like it has for the past two weeks. The tires are average, and the headlights shine downward so that I have to use the brights under normal circumstances. I don't mind driving with the brights on until I need brights when I'm already using them. I basically have no brights. Fuck 'em.

It's two hours later and I think I'm past the scariest of the mountains. Wyoming is a long state and I'm driving straight east, but I'm hoping for no more scary mountains. No more mountains.
No.
No.
No.

I destroy Wyoming. I buy coffee or cola every time I stop for a bathroom break, food and gas whenever necessary. I'm killing Wyoming. I hate Wyoming. Fucking cowboys and mountains and rocks and cold air. Fuck all of them.

I drive south toward Denver. I think I can make it through Denver and far enough east to enter Kansas tonight, as long as the weather stays calm. Ten minutes later it's fucking snowing and I'm stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic outside Fort Collins, Colo.
I want to get past Denver tonight.
I need to get past Denver tonight.
Tonight.

The roads are icy but I keep driving. I take a toll road and pay $2 three times. I'm east of Denver, on my way out of town, so I stop at McDonald's for some food to eat during the dark drive east. I walk into McDonald's. There's a strange, friendly old man at the counter. I order a cup of coffee, chicken club combo and ask for Mountain Dew to drink. The man shakes his head.

He speaks: "We don't have that."
I speak: "Mellow Yellow?"
He speaks: "Nope."
I speak: "Anything yellow?"
He speaks: "Maybe in the bathroom."
I laugh. I speak: "Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb, whatever."

I ask for cream for the coffee. The man hands me a small plastic jug of milk usually given away with kids' meals. It has Ronald McDonald on the label.

I speak: "McDonald Milk?"
He speaks: "Old McDonald had a farm."
I smile. I pour the milk.
He speaks: "You didn't laugh at my joke."

I laugh, put the lid on. I leave. I drive 15 miles into Kansas and check in at a Comfort Inn. The swimming pool and spa are open for another hour but I don't use them.

DAY 3

I leave the Comfort Inn at 6:30 a.m. It is 17 degrees in Goodland, Kan. Seventeen degrees is fucking cold. The heat doesn't blow toward my feet and my toes hurt after half an hour. I stop and buy six pair of socks, one of which is wool. I wear every pair of them and jam my oversized feet into the ends of a pair of slippers. It doesn't work. My toes still hurt after 30 minutes.

I call my mom and whine. I think about buying a pair of boots. What do people who work outside or walk in snow wear on their feet? I stop at a gas station to ask someone where I can buy boots. A woman works behind the counter.

I speak: "Fifteen on pump 4, please. Do you know where I could buy some boots? My feet are cold."
She pauses, speaks: "We have some of these … these hand warmers that might help."
She shows me to the pocket-size chemically-activated hand warmers, each in separate, inactivated packages. I buy four of them, put them in my shoes. My feet aren't cold for the rest of the day.

I'm making good time across Kansas, listening to a story that is generally unbelievable by an author who I do not respect. It passes the time well. I drive for hours, lost in the nonfiction beneath the fiction, although it has all been passed off as nonfiction. I'm convinced that most of this story, if not all of it, is not true. I despise the author because he is much like me. Much richer, much faker, but we share many of the same privileges and talents that have made him who he is. I still despise him. He is a fake and a coward and a privileged white man who ignores his privilege and exaggerates his few insecurities and inconsequential brushes with the law. He is a phony and a coward.

But it passes the time.

I'm 15 miles from Kansas City. I am stopped in traffic. It is snowing, the roads are bad, but not that bad. The freeway is crowded. It's 3 p.m. I continue to inch forward, all the way past the Missouri border.

I am stopped point-two miles into Missouri (a mile-marking sign reads 0/ .2). The car's oil light flashes. I have to pee. The car's oil light flashes again. Again. Again. I have to pee and the car's oil light is flashing. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to pee. I can't hold it. The car's oil light is flashing. I have a small amount of oil in the trunk. I pull onto the shoulder. I put the small amount of oil in the engine. It is cold and wet and dark and crowded. I drive back into my lane. The oil light is still on and I still have to pee. This continues for another hour. I am two miles past the Missouri border.

I decide that I must put oil in the car and I must pee and I need gas so I get off the freeway at 21st Street. No one else is getting off the freeway at 21st Street.

I'm turning left and there are no businesses within sight. I drive pass school buses, down hills and up hills. Down snowy hills, up snowy hills. I find a 7-11 gas station and pull up to a pump. I'm wearing a baseball cap and hooded sweatshirt. The wind is blowing and it's cold cold cold. I pull the hood over the back of my head. A young man strolls out of the store, making some sort of loud noise. I acknowledge him, but just for a moment. I want to look busy and unconcerned.

I pop the hood, walk inside, ask for a bathroom. The cashier speaks: "Not for customers."

I buy a quart of oil for $3.79, nearly twice what it should cost, and pre-pay $15 worth of gas. I leave the store. I put the nozzle in the car and check the oil. The level seems fine. I put a little bit of oil in the engine and close the hood, pump the rest of the gas and replace the cap. I drive toward the freeway, stop in a shady neighborhood, piss in a bottle, get piss in my pants, drive back onto the freeway.

It's 5 p.m., I'm 6 miles east of Kansas City, and I'm fucking pissed. I wanted to get home by midnight, and there's traffic and goddamn winter storms ahead.

I call my mom, whine. She encourages me to stop somewhere in Missouri, sleep, make the rest of the drive tomorrow. I resist, at first, then drive into a whirling rainstorm that's magnified by semi-trucks passing my small car on the two-lane freeway. When they do so, it's impossible to see. It's like driving through the middle of a 10-foot wave.

It will be good to be home.
Home.
Home.