Saturday, November 04, 2006
Liberalism ensues; Cows lose
(Written Friday, July 14, 2006)
*Editor's note: While the events in the story are true and accurate, the quotes are completely fabricated in an attempt to make myself laugh.
The Cincinnati Cows were victimized by an influx of liberalism Tuesday night during a 12-0 loss at Kolping Park, which included the application of the flip-flop rule. Playing competitively for the first time in more than a year, the Cows were matched up against a team called "All Mixed Up." In reality, it was the umpire's political ideology that was confused.
When the fourth inning ended with the Cows trailing by more than 10, the unpire enacted a new-age mercy rule which allowed the Cows to bat twice in a row, giving them an added opportunity to get back in the game. The Cows did not appreciate the gesture.
"We don't need umpires letting their emotions get involved with the competition," said Cows spokesman Luke Lewis. "If that guy is into welfare and unions and all that, then he should move to Canada."
The Cows failed to score during either of the back-to-back, three-out at-bats during the fifth inning and left the dugout feeling like John Kerry had defeated George W. Bush in the 2004 election.
"It's kind of like someone taking away your handgun or forcing you to talk to your gay neighbor," Lewis said.
The Cows used trickery to keep pace with their not-so-talented counterparts, but the umpire showed little respect for the home team's game plan. After a tight-pantsed jerk hit a double, Lewis acted like he threw the ball in to the pitcher. When said jerk took his illegal lead off second base, Lewis laid the tag on him. But the blue-shirted umpire conveniently had his back turned.
"I've been waiting my whole life to get somebody with that trick," Lewis said. "And that asshole (umpire) didn't even care."
In a hilarious, yet somewhat predictable episode, the "All Mixed Up" left fielder repeatedly celebrated reaching base after Cow errors, even though he had short bangs and a fucked up-looking pseudo-mullet. When Lewis explained to him that reaching base after an error didn't count as a hit, the freak said this: "It's not my fault y'all can't throw."
The game marked the first time in their six-year existence that the Cows had a woman on their opening day roster. 21-year-old Valerie Cross started in center field, making the routine plays that have been known to elude most Cows regulars.
Next week's 10:10 contest will match the Cows up with "Barr Labs." The Cows will unveil brand new uniforms which include cursive writing.
*Editor's note: While the events in the story are true and accurate, the quotes are completely fabricated in an attempt to make myself laugh.
The Cincinnati Cows were victimized by an influx of liberalism Tuesday night during a 12-0 loss at Kolping Park, which included the application of the flip-flop rule. Playing competitively for the first time in more than a year, the Cows were matched up against a team called "All Mixed Up." In reality, it was the umpire's political ideology that was confused.
When the fourth inning ended with the Cows trailing by more than 10, the unpire enacted a new-age mercy rule which allowed the Cows to bat twice in a row, giving them an added opportunity to get back in the game. The Cows did not appreciate the gesture.
"We don't need umpires letting their emotions get involved with the competition," said Cows spokesman Luke Lewis. "If that guy is into welfare and unions and all that, then he should move to Canada."
The Cows failed to score during either of the back-to-back, three-out at-bats during the fifth inning and left the dugout feeling like John Kerry had defeated George W. Bush in the 2004 election.
"It's kind of like someone taking away your handgun or forcing you to talk to your gay neighbor," Lewis said.
The Cows used trickery to keep pace with their not-so-talented counterparts, but the umpire showed little respect for the home team's game plan. After a tight-pantsed jerk hit a double, Lewis acted like he threw the ball in to the pitcher. When said jerk took his illegal lead off second base, Lewis laid the tag on him. But the blue-shirted umpire conveniently had his back turned.
"I've been waiting my whole life to get somebody with that trick," Lewis said. "And that asshole (umpire) didn't even care."
In a hilarious, yet somewhat predictable episode, the "All Mixed Up" left fielder repeatedly celebrated reaching base after Cow errors, even though he had short bangs and a fucked up-looking pseudo-mullet. When Lewis explained to him that reaching base after an error didn't count as a hit, the freak said this: "It's not my fault y'all can't throw."
The game marked the first time in their six-year existence that the Cows had a woman on their opening day roster. 21-year-old Valerie Cross started in center field, making the routine plays that have been known to elude most Cows regulars.
Next week's 10:10 contest will match the Cows up with "Barr Labs." The Cows will unveil brand new uniforms which include cursive writing.
# posted by PASStheTEA_B @ 3:57 PM 
